That day (Part 1)

So, this post is about Results.


Results were....

Okay lets just say...I was psyched for results. I had the countdown, sent out mass smses to friends to tell them to come online at 12.30, half an hour before results were released so that we could go into the unknown together-gether and stuff. (and they all did! other than lixia and seok). To pass the time, played pool with Rachel, and then the clock struck one. Immediately all 23 conversation boxes started flashing orange in my taskbar, and I squared my shoulders and clicked refresh on my results page.

My eyes scanned my results, and after a few seconds of immensely strong feelings and emotions shaking the very foundations of my core, and ripping and shredding my heart strings, I closed my messenger causing all the orange blinking to suddenly blink out.

After staring at the four grades so coldly and emotionlessly listed on the page for a while, processing them in my brain, and wondering, how could they have fallen shy of my expectations? From what I deserved? Should I tell my mom who was eating lunch downstairs?

I called out my results.

Silence.

One single tear fell from my eyes. And then I slapped myself because after nearly a year of tearlessness, I didn't want a dam to burst.

I met my requirements sure...but...these grades! A few marks shy of what I deserved! What I secretly slaved away at while everyone thought I wasn't bothered. I felt low and dirty.

And then, the smses flooded in.

And then, my mom called me down.

And then, from 1.00 to 5.30, me and my mom, and my dad who I called from office sat around the table and talked. My dad never the one to say he was disappointed in me, said 'You can get into Melbourne Uni! I'll send you straight away instead of twinning!'.

My mom however, was far less impressed.

"Waste of money", "didnt bother, watched tv all the time", "not worth sending you", "lousy results", "all your fathers hard work".

And then the phone calls started. People who's messages I didn't reply, and relatives, asking my results.

"Sure straight A's!" all of them said.

"But those results are good too! Congratulations!"

And I was just breaking inside.

Was it worth my parents spending money on me? I can't even get results I want, what's the point? I'm a failure! What is my dad going to tell his colleague? What is wrong with me?

Am I worth it?

I get what I want one way or another. I either fight for it, or I get it handed to me. So I was prepared to fight for it, covering every base possible. Remark, and resit. I only needed to resit ONE paper to get what I aimed for, but I wanted every paper remarked.

My dad said sure.

My mom said "We're not going to waste any more money on you resitting. Whats done is done."

Me : I'll pay for it myself!

But in the end, I decided I wouldn't. The procedure was difficult and risky, and I didn't want to risk my place in Melb U to get what I want.

And then, I rang Seok to talk and get my mind off things.

Seok : "Are you alright? You sound sad/disappointed"
Me : "I have a sorethroat"


Ju : So what did you get?
Me : Low la.
Ju : How much?
Me : I have to go.

And then, I signed back into MSN at 6.00. Immediately, the lights went off, how much did you get, how much did you get? Why did you go off so suddenly?

No one got to know my results. Only Manpreet cause I couldn't tell her no over the phone, cause it was in front of my parents. And Mun Yee who I gave sole rights to it.

And then off course the bitching started.

"Whats wrong with you?"
"Some friend"
"Dont make things so big la"
"JUST TELL ME YOU FUCKER"
"SO ANNOYING"


But no one found out. Full stop.

I didn't care what people thought of me hiding my results. Its mine to know. You want to tell me your disastrous ones fine by me. Just because mine is better than yours, its still devastating to me. Cause I can achieve so much more. Its low to me. Its high to you. Respect my privacy for God's sake.

Getting into Melbourne Uni was my dream, and I got it. So that kept me going. But I tell you the truth, I hit an all time low. I felt just so disgusted and angry at myself. I couldn't believe I let myself down so hard.

And then Pearly invited me for lunch the next day. I wanted to go cause I needed to forget about my day, but I didn't want to pitch it to my parents after my results. So I just went to sleep to enter the safety and comfort of Dreamland, and decided to deal with it the next day...