random post.

I sit myself down at the nearest table in the cafe. Nobody seemed to realize that I had taken up a table meant for four. Whatever happened to the waiter who used to come up to you with the 'good afternoon, how many people, etc'?

I feel insignificant amidst all these people. Everyone seemed to have something to do: catching up with old friends, two lovers spoon feeding one another, a young man looking through his file trying to look busy although it was evident his eyes were starting to glaze.

Seemed to me like all of them had something to do. I felt inadequate just sitting there doing nothing when everyone around me was busy worrying about something in life. Nobody paid attention to me or their surroundings. All my life, I've been showered with so much attention. Here however, in this public place full of people, I am alone.

Truly alone, to slowly dissect my thoughts and reflect on actions done. To be able to think clearly, without someone poking into my conscience, trying to give me their opinions or instructions as to how to go about doing something. I felt at ease in the solitude, thankful for finally getting the opportunity to get away from prying eyes and hopeful people, just waiting for the day to see me blunder.

Here, I can fail. I can very well let the teacup fall the to table and let it break while its contents pours all over the place, without being the subject of conversation for the next few days or so. Here, I will be just another memory to someone, the girl who smashed a teacup. Or if I don't even smash it, I won't even be remembered. I am allowed to feel and have a sense of humanity, and it is here I am reminded that I am still a human. I am allowed to drop the act. Nobody is there to tell me how to feel, or to reprimand me for feeling a certain way.

Ironically, while I was enjoying my moment of silence, just staring into my drink, I feel a pair of eyes gazing at me. I look up to see a friend who I am rather close to who I haven't seen in a long time.

Are you ok?

Yeah I am perfectly fine. Why do you ask?

You have been awfully quiet for a long time. I haven't heard from you in awhile. What happened to the days when we used to go out?

Oh... yeah. Have been really busy lately.

Oh right... Anyway, give me a call sometime alright. I miss hanging out with you.

And with that, he rose and walked away. I am overcome with guilt for I lied. I was not too busy to keep in contact with him... I know that I am never too busy for anything.

So why did I lie?

I just wanted to detach myself from everything. I need to do this every once in awhile to feel normal again. Just to get away from snide remarks, stupid immature opinions, people telling me that I am acting in a way that they do not approve of. At the end of day, I am very much human as well, and I have every right to feel a certain way.

I guess I am just tired of explaining myself every step of the way.

Ever read the book Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho? One of the characters was perfectly sane, yet he faked his diagnosis just to be able to stay in the asylum where Veronika was admitted into. Why?

In an asylum, you are considered mad. You have every right to behave a certain way, and nobody can question you. You never have to justify yourself, because you're mad. You are allowed to act in whatever way that makes you happy and to behave in a manner that is looked down upon by the norms of society. You are under no obligation to act a particular way expected of you.

Hm.