I went to church last Sunday after missing it for 2 weeks. The topic the pastor was preaching on was so near and dear to my heart. In fact, when the altar call came, I wanted to put up my hand, but I also didn't want to put up my hand in front of my parents incase they thought something was wrong with my life. Because there isn't. Life is great, in fact, I don't wish it to be any better. I'm so happy with the way things are. I have happiness, and love and everything else I could wish for material or not, so I'm all set.
But anyway, the message was on forgiveness. And something else, which appealed to me more, but I've forgotten what it is :S. Anyway, forget that :P
Forgiveness. Can a person actually forgive? I used to think I was quite forgiving. I mean, I've forgiven so many things, I should be in the Guinness Book of Records. I've forgiven the enemies I've made especially in the latter years of school. One, I'm sure he hasn't forgiven me, but that's his loss. As long as I've done my part, nothing can be said.
But there is one event and one person that I still haven't come to terms with. The person (a "best friend") was involved in this event, that took place in Form 2, 2002. I feel a surprising rush of unsuppressed emotions at the very mention of this persons name, and I'm appalled at my own self because I thought I got past it so many years ago. As for the event, I thought I had forgotten all about it, but a few months ago I suddenly remembered, and I just felt so...awful. I got over myself 2 minutes later, but the very fact that I could still feel sad about it shook me up. I'm a very strong person who has always been able to move on when something happens. And it wasn't something so humoungous like rape or attempted murder or something, but it still affected me.
I haven't even told anyone about it, and it happened so long ago that I doubt anyone except I can remember it. It happened in a room of people (friends), and I think it explains my character now. I am a people pleaser, and I think that comes from this experience 'cause I was made to feel that I wasn't as good as everyone else. And my ultimate flaw is caring so much about what people think of me - because of the room full of people watching. Its probably just some unimportant memory that has long been deleted from the recycle bin of peoples minds but its still etched in mine like a Sticking Charm has been cast on it.
Its the only thing I haven't overcome, and it just fustrates me and makes me question my own strength and will. I remembered it tonight, 3 months ago, 4 years ago before that. Three times since its happened. Thankfully I only remember it when I'm most vulnerable, which I rarely am, so thats a temporary sheild against something that makes me realise my worst fear : I'm losing my shell. I think that affects me more than the memory itself.
Forgiveness. I'm thankful God has made me a forgiving person. I only pray that He will help me forget this one thing. I did nothing to warrant such an attack on my mind, but either way I think I've been made stronger from it.
One reason I've never told anyone about it is because when I imagine myself putting it into words it sounds like its nothing, but it affected me greatly and taught me a valuable lesson.
Don't trust.
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