If you know me (and if your someone I dont know whos reading my blog, that doesnt count), you would know that I don't get angry easily at all. But you know what? I'm damn fucking mad right now.

I dont want to talk about it for the risk of sounding like an angsty teenager. While others are to blame, most of it is because of me. Because Im open hearted, and love people too much. I let so many people into my heart that in the crowd they just trample and stampede all over it leaving pot holes that my hearts government doesnt have money to fill up.

And the fact that exams are going on right now, and Im so behind and Im so worried that I wont get the grades I was once so sure I would get, the grades I really really want (AAA). I've noticed that this is the first time Ive been so (for lack of a better word) kan cheong (thanks emy!) about my exams, and I think its just because I just wanna dive into my work to blank out everything thats happening around me.

Sometimes I wish I wasnt the vacant house with its doors wide open, but the person who comes in with the crowd and tears up the living room carpet, stomps mud all over the floor, and then shifts to another house down the street after he gets tired of what he sees.

I just want to beat myself up, punch myself in the gut, throw myself into the filthy Taman Jaya lake for feeling this way when my life is so great. Something thats happening so far beyond my control, which I should be laughing off, or mocking or just not bothering about is affecting me so greatly. I should be laughing and hopping around and being my silly self instead of sitting in my room and staring at my table going deeper and deeper into a melancholy state.

I bet you the people involved are reading this post right now thinking 'Hahaha, we're happy now, and hes just a big messed up pile of emo shit over there'. Oh well, thats probably why I didnt post it up when it affected me most. Right now, I dont really care. What frustrates me the most is that they think Im having a horrible time here when Im not. I think one of my problems is that I care too much about what people think about me. But thats just me.

Maybe I should become a cold heartless bastard who just uses people when he has nothing better to do. That would bring me such joy. Such satisfaction.

But you know what? I feel a bit better already. Because I just realised karma DOES happen. Because karma just did.

Or at least half a karma.

Im sure the other half will hit even harder. And hopefully below the belt.

I dont know why friends make me emo. They make me feel like Im on a rollercoaster. Maybe their not worth it.


But then I realise I dont mean that. Anger fuels goals, and I need all the fuel I can get to reach my perfectionistic goals. So I need more horrible friends. Heartache can be brushed away after practice. Ill just have to learn to live with it.


And on a total seperate note, this has nothing to do with college friends. But yes, I do have a message for a few of my college friends. You know I want you to come to ball with me. If I want to, I already have a place waiting for me at another table. But the fact is I would rather have a good time with you guys than have a good time with my other friends. Just because now, Im closer to you. So I realise Ive been pushing some (three) of you, but you know what. If you come or not, I couldnt care less anymore. If you want to go or not its your choice, and Ill just be happy either way. Its just the degree of my happiness that will change =p So Im not going to push anymore. If you knew how much it would mean to me if you gave me an enjoyable night you would come. Just let me know soon so I can arrange my seating with the others okay?


Well then....


Bye.