this was meant to be a happy happy cheerful post

well, its not anymore

I dont know why I keep doing this to myself. I get so jealous and worked up, and suddenly my brain and heart are jammed up with sadness and regret and malice. I know its bad for me but I still do it, and I cant stop. Probably because Im hoping that one day when I do it again therell be disaster and disintegration happening and Ill be happy finally. That theyll feel what I felt all this time.

I know I shouldnt feel this way, and that I should have gotten over it and just stopped everything to with it ages ago, but I cant because I still love them, and I just cant severe the connection. I hate them for being happy, and I hate them because Im not as happy as I can be. I hate myself because its my fault for not making myself happy. I want them to hurt over and over again, and I want their life to crumble to the ground! I want them to be a wreck or disaster when I see them next.

I loathe them.

I loathe their happiness.

I loathe the fact that I dont have what they have.

I wish they would all just burn inside with sadness and guilt forever. I wish I could just stuff them down into the stone below my feet alive until they can feel physically the pain that I carry in my heart everyday.

Its been a while since I blogged...Im not a blog-writer addict anymore, Im now a blog reader addict =)